


Healing Is Hard

by joshlerminor



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7835392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshlerminor/pseuds/joshlerminor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler is the broken one, Josh always knew that. The thing is, it's hard to know how broken someone is until you realize you can't fix them. Scars are permanent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by an RP me and philionz (go follow them on Instagram) did a little while ago. I also posted this on wattpad under the same title with the username madbrony (don't judge it was a rough time for me.) Hope you enjoy this fantastic mess of a first fanfic, I used Grammarly and everything.

First of all, Josh never thought Tyler was okay. Josh always knew Tyler was messed up in one way or another. The way he jumped at doors closing too loudly, the fact he turned white when someone was beaten in a movie, it scared Josh. He had assumed things, of course he did, Tyler was all he had at times. He needed him the same way an insecure tween girl needs food, he thought about giving him up once and awhile, but he always ran back when he smelt dinner cooking. Tyler was actually a very good cook. Then, as you know, the whole ‘unique snowflake band’ thing took off with the nu-emos of this generation. Josh never thought about giving Tyler up after that.

 Second of all, as Josh climbed behind Tyler back on their tour bus after the first show of their first stadium tour, Tyler’s ass looked really nice.

“Hey, good job on those drums.” Ty turned to flash a smile at a very tired, very smelly Josh.

He scratched the sweat off the back of his neck. “Yeah, crazy to think we’ve made it this far.”

“First tour on an actual bus.” Tyler said as he gazed in wonderment again at the small, old bus.  

Josh chuckled a bit before letting out a small “Yeah” and sitting down on the couch. Tyler sat a couple inches away from him, not touching at all.

“You think Mark’s going to take long?”

“Not sure.” Josh grinned and turned to Tyler’s eyes. For a few brief seconds, one could believe this was the very moment they fall in love together. I, as the author, can tell you that it isn’t. It wasn’t _they_ who fell in love. Tyler was a bit slow sometimes, be he did realize things with time.

 Tyler looked away awkwardly. “Uh, it’s really late, should we sleep?”

“Yeah, yeah we should.”  Josh said looking at his lap.

“Yes, sleep, shower.” Tyler made the connection. “The shower works well on here.” He stood up. “That’s really rare on a bus, especially one this old.”

“You want to go first?” Josh said standing up as well.

“No, you go first,” Tyler smirked “The water will be cold at first with the slow heater anyway.”

“Nah, you should go first, because you love me.” Josh said taking a step towards Tyler, too close to Tyler. Tyler felt panic, his face flushing.

“Fine, Jishwa.”  Tyler said trying to hide it, what if Josh thought he was blushing and came closer? He turned around quickly, but not quick enough. Josh wrapped his arms around him before he could start walking. He hugged his back and rested his head on Tyler’s shoulder, inhaling his air. Tyler gasped at his movement. He pulled away quickly. “Bro- bro, what are you doing?”

“Uh…” Josh blushed, “just- um- you smell nice.”

Tyler took a breath, still facing away from him. “Josh, Josh I need you to be honest with me okay?”

“I’m always honest with you.” Josh bit his lip. _Fuck you messed it all up,_ he thought.

“Do you- are you- interested in me?” Tyler didn’t want this, it would spoil so much in their lives.

  
“Um…” Josh didn’t know what to say. He was interested in Tyler. If he said yes their friendship would be ruined, their band ruined. “Um…”

“Because, Josh,” Tyler breathed “You shouldn’t be, there are so many reasons- why you shouldn’t.” His eyes stung but he blinked it away. “You’d just seem desperate.”

“Ty, it’s not that.” Josh shakily said. _Fuck it._ “Yes Tyler I love you, and it’s wrong in so many ways but to me it’s right in so many more.”

“No. No, Fuck you.” Tyler spat. “You don’t understand.” In one fluid motion Tyler turned around, not looking at Josh as he pushed passed him, and flew out the bus door into the cold Chicago air.


	2. Part 2

“Tyler, Tyler come back!” Josh yelled in his direction. Tyler didn’t hear. All he could hear was his head screaming _run, RUN!_ He sprinted away. His lungs burned. _Right, left, faster, faster! He_ ran until he reached the highway. He paused for a second, breathing in harsh rasps and his brain pounding out of his skull. He looked right and saw a high bridge. That voice in his head said in a hushed, urgent tone, _Do it._ Tyler listened.

Josh was frozen for a moment, only a moment. He stood there, confused, scared, and hurt. He couldn’t believe Tyler would run from him like that. They had known each other for years, he had loved him for years. This wasn’t the response he dreamed of. He wanted to understand. It was Tyler who didn’t understand! Josh blew out the bus door and barely saw Tyler turning a corner. He darted after him, straight down the line of buses and around the guest parking. “Tyler!” he called but he didn’t seem to care. He followed in hot pursuit, around this corner, straight ahead, right, left. Suddenly, He lost Tyler in the middle of VIP parking. _No no,_ “Tyler!” Josh screamed louder.

Tyler could hear Josh yelling, the sound echoing between the vehicles and buildings. The few pedestrians walking that late stared as he passed, but none said anything. He reached the solid concrete of the bridge rail. He crawled, with much caution, up onto the edge. The water beneath him sloshed and twirled. Rocks spiked out randomly. _I’ll hit my head, and then I’ll die._ He thought of the finality of what he was about to do. _Okay, okay_ He repeated in his head, rocking back and forth in the cold wind.

Josh got to the highway. He looked around, few cars sped past. A child in one seemed interested in what was happening for a second, but the car dragged his eyes away. Smoothing his hair back, Josh looked to the bridge. A figure sat at its edge, rocking slowly. _Tyler_. His eyes teared up as he sprinted towards him. _Faster, faster, please Tyler please!_

Tyler sat there for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes blurred into the darkness. He was awake, he was still on the edge, but his eyes couldn’t see, he wouldn’t feel.

“Tyler” Josh choked. Tyler opened his eyes and turned toward him. He was meters away. _Help me._ Tyler tried to scream without speaking. He stopped rocking, letting go of the concrete, hands in his lap. “Tyler” Josh took a cautious step towards him, Tyler inched closer to the edge.

“Save me” Tyler whispered as tears dripped onto his jeans.

“Tyler… It’s okay, everything is going to be okay.” Josh’s heart raced, _don’t jump, please don’t jump._ “J-Just, please. Please come down.” Tyler didn’t move. “I want to understand, trust me I do.” Josh couldn’t take his friend like this. He choked and pleaded, “I can’t live without you okay? You go down and I’m going too.”

Tyler sobbed, the air was thick and stuck in his lungs. He could barely take the nightmares, how could he handle ruining his best friend’s life like he was? He could end it right now, he would never have to feel again, never, ever again. “Please come down.” Josh repeated, distantly and quiet, so small he could ignore it. He could just go.

He stretched his hand out toward Josh, slowly and shaking. Josh took it and held it like a lifeline. Tyler shifted, then turned, swinging his legs around the side, to the safe side. As soon as he landed on the sidewalk Josh pulled him into a hug. “You’re safe.” He stuffed his face into Tyler’s shoulder. “Thank God.” He whispered through sobs.

Tyler was a statue in Josh’s arms. He still couldn’t feel. The memories. They would start if he let himself feel. The gripping, the squeezing, the punches, this felt so similar, every touch did.

“Tyler? I-is everything okay?” rang in Tyler’s ears when Josh said it.

“Ugh” was all Tyler said. He fainted into Josh’s chest. Josh was surprised for a second, but chuckled softly at all that had happened. Tyler didn’t feel it when Josh carried him away bridle style.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape mention/description

“You can take care of him by yourself?” Tyler’s eyes flickered open. He was in his bottom bunk back on the bus.

“Oh yeah, it’s fine, you can go eat.” _Josh._ Tyler groaned in calling for him. The door to the bus slammed and footfalls _cluck clucked_ towards him.

“Yes, Ty?” Josh said as he pulled back the curtain. Tyler blinked at the new bright light falling into the bed space. “Sorry.” Josh moved to block the light.

“Is Mark or the driver here?” Tyler said incredibly groggy.

“They just left,” Josh said. His face turned worrisome, “How are you feeling?”

Tyler sighed, “Fine, better than last night.” He smirked.

“Better than last night may be true, but fine certainly isn’t” Josh frowned. “You want water?”

Tyler frowned back, “Yeah, that’d be nice.” When Josh stepped away he snuggled into his pillow. _Tell him,_ he thought _, He saved you, you can trust him._

Josh crouched down next to Tyler. “Here.” He said in a gentle voice, handing him an opened plastic bottle.

“Thanks.” Tyler said, taking a careful sip as to not spill it on the sheets.

“So…” Josh said after Tyler had taken a couple mouthfuls, “Do you want to go back to sleep or-“

“I need to tell you something.” Tyler cut him off.

Josh perked up, “Uh, Y-yeah, go ahead.”

His stuttering made Tyler nervous, but he decided to go on with it. “You know how whenever someone touches me, I jump a bit?” His eyes rolled towards Josh.

“Yeah,” Josh said sadly, “I’ve noticed that. I want to bring it up but I didn’t want to invade your privacy.”

“You’re my best friend Josh, I was expecting you to ask at some point.” Tyler put the bottle down and laid on his back.

 _Best friend._ The words nipped Josh this time. “Sorry I didn’t, do you want to continue?”

“Yeah,” Tyler put his hands on his face. “So you know how I was at that other church before I came to yours? Where I met you?” Josh nodded and looked at his hands nervously.

Tyler took a breath, “Well there was a priest there, and when I was younger,” His throat began to close, “A-about four, until I was twelve.” He choked. “He, h-he.”

Josh grabbed Tyler’s hands through the sheet and held them close. “Hush its okay Tyler, I understand. That’s horrible.” Josh felt sick to his stomach, he could not believe someone would do that to him. “It’s okay.” He whispered in an attempt to calm him down.

“Every fucking week!” Tyler screamed. He threw away Josh’s hands. “Every week h-he c-called me to his office.” He sniffled. “First, he’d j-just take pictures, then as I g-got older he t-touched me.” Josh felt worse at the word _touch._ “A-and the last couple times-“Tyler couldn’t breathe. “It hurt, it burned. It hurt so ba-ad.” He choked hard on the last word. His wails looked like spratic coughs, with tears drenching his nose. It sent a lump into Josh’s throat.

“T-Tyler, p-please calm down.” Josh began to sob. He took his hands again and brought them to his mouth, lightly pressing his lips to them. He didn’t care if it was wrong at this point. It was horrifying to see him like this.

“It hurt.” Tyler kept on remembering, “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep for weeks after. Oh gosh, he hit so hard.” He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Everything’s okay now, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Josh said.

“My dad did,” Tyler said, his sobs slowing to harsh sniffles for a very brief moment. “I told him, he let it happen. He said it would knock me straight.”

“Oh my…” Josh's eyes widened at this. He couldn’t believe that someone would let that happen to a child. “Tyler, I swear, if someone touches you in a manner you don’t like, you come right to me.”

Tyler returned to wails, he wished he could just die. Causing Josh so much pain was awful. He wanted to sleep, or die, or at the very least not exist. He let go of Josh rolled to face the wall.

Josh was startled, “Tyler, W-what’s wrong?”

Tyler said in a slow, forceful tone, “Fuck off.”

 


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depictions of rape

“Fuck off.” Tyler said again louder.  Josh was confused. Tears that barely left came streaming down his face again. _What did I do?_ He thought. Josh slowly put a hand on Tyler’s shoulder.

 He whipped it away, “Fuck off.” He said again, this time more annoyed.

Josh took a breath. “No.” He said sternly. He was sick of this. “I care deeply for you and I honestly don’t care what you think of me. So I’m going to stick with you no matter what.”

“No, no you don’t fucking need me, you don’t need this.” Tyler curled into a ball. “I’m just overreacting anyway, it was good for me, and it helped me.”

“How could it have helped you?” Josh yelled. It made Tyler curl tighter. “I’m sorry, but abuse like that is very serious and it obviously destroyed you.” _Fuck that was harsh._ He cringed but continued, “I fucking need you, damn it. Why do you think I said what I did yesterday?”

“Cause a person on the edge will either have the world behind him or in front of him,” Tyler mumbled through his pillow. “And if the people around him care for human life at all, they’ll be in front.”

“Ty...”

”You care because you’re a human with morals, not because you, for some reason,” Tyler swallowed, “love…me.”

“Look at me.” Josh said

“No.”

“Please.” Josh said again.

“Josh, just go.”

“No I’m not just going to go,” Josh was staring daggers at his back. “Look. At. Me.”

Tyler finally slowly rolled over, an angry look on his face. “Yes?” He said annoyed.

“I do love you, not just as a friend. And it’s not just morals, okay? Tyler Joseph, I love you. I’m sticking with you no matter what. I don’t care if you hate me because being apart from you is suffocating to me.”

 _He’s lying._ Tyler thought. “Whatever.” He said as he rolled back over.

Josh was determined, he’d do anything to get him to listen. In the stress of the moment, he said, “Fine if it’s just so whatever I hope you don’t mind if I do this.” He crawled into the bunk and put an arm around him.

Tyler froze. He was back there. The pressure, the pain, the bleeding. The last time. _That_ last time. He began to hyperventilate. His chest condensing and expanding at almost the same time.

“Tyler! Fuck.” Josh pulled Tyler out of the bunk to the floor. “Water? Do you want water? Fuck, answer me!”

Blurry. Everything was blurry. Gone. He was going to be gone. The scars on his thighs felt like fire again.

“Breathe, please Tyler, Breathe.” Josh began to count. “In, two, three, four. Out, two-“Tyler followed along desperately, he wanted to calm down. Josh took his hand and squeezed, “Good Tyler, Keep breathing.” _In, out, okay, okay- Fuck!_

Tyler bawled, he was there, he was hurting. The Man was taking everything from him. There went his privacy, off went his courage. _You will never tell anyone of this, this is our little secret._ He was whispering into Tyler’s ear as the first hit came down. The branch’s bark dug itself into his flesh. Tyler sobbed through his lip. _Hush, hush. You know the rules if you make any noise._ He never wanted that again, so he turned his head to the side and bit down on his tongue. Blood curved its way down to the wooden desk he was pinned facedown against. _You are nothing, no one would believe you._ Another hit came down, and another, and one more. His teeth tore through his tongue. He almost screamed. _Useless and little with a vivid imagination, that’s what they’ll think._ The last firey rope impacted his thighs. His skin was torn and raw. The searing that was left made him whine. Thankfully, The Man ignored it. _Alright my child,_ His voice was rough and growly. _Remember this pain was good for you, and it helped me out too!_  The Man left his side. Tyler took a breath in, this childish mind thought if he held his breath he could escape. A few moments passed, _My dear boy, you’ll want to be breathing for this. It will make it so much easier on you._ It brushed his skin. It pushed up against him. It was inside him. He was _inside him._

Tyler shrieked as he remembered it all. High and emotive, the wail was enough to make Josh’s heart explode and flood his chest. He laid his torso down next to him and started running his hand through his hair. “It’s okay, I’m right here.” He was breathless and hoarse. This had to be the worst moment of Josh’s life. Tyler’s face was twisted and putrid, shiny with teardrops and yelling as if demons possessed him. They basically did. “Sh, sh it’s okay, Ii-its al-lright.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like asking, but please comment with anything really. It encourages me to write more. <3


	5. Part 5

Eventually, after a full fifteen minutes of awful screeching and cracked whispers, Tyler’s wails became quieter. His tears had left and his sobs were reduced to light hiccups. It was over, thank God it was over. His eyes rolled to their tangled hands, Josh was gently moving his fingers around massaging them. The innocent realisation of “I’ve never held hands with someone.” was said by Tyler with little chokes between words. He looked with big eyes at Josh, “It feels nice.”

Josh smiled. He wanted to hug him and comfort him and make him know it was okay, but he couldn’t. “I’m sorry.” He said again.

“No, I’m sorry,” Tyler said, “Just warn me if you want to touch me okay? Go slow.”

“Okay.” Josh breathed. Tyler’s eyes were swollen and tinged red. Josh looked into them with force. “I’m so fucking sorry, what happened? Was that a panic attack?”

“Yeah,” Tyler looked up to the bus’s oak-plated ceiling. The dark knots suspiciously looked like terrified faces. “I usually take meds for them. I hadn’t had one in a month or two, so I didn’t renew the subscription. This is what I get for thinking I’d be fine.” He swallowed, “I’m really sorry.”

“No, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m an idiot.” Josh stretched to grab a pillow from a nearby bunk without letting out of Tyler’s hand and placed it under his head. “You’re okay now, right?”

“As okay as I always am.” The edge of Tyler’s mouth twitched. His eyes rose to Josh hovering above him again.

“You need to get meds.” His face was hard and angular when he was serious. As Tyler opened his mouth, the bus’s door popped open.

“Hey- why is Tyler on the floor?” Mark stepped around the corner, he looked pretty worried.

“He’s okay, now.” Josh stood up, letting go of Tyler’s hand. Tyler was disappointed.

“What happened? Why isn’t he getting up?” Mark took the few strides required to be closer to the two. His chest was puffed out offensively.

“He’s fine, he just had, um…” Josh glanced to Tyler. “He had a panic attack.” Tyler turned his head away from them.

“Oh,” Mark’s face dropped to a different sort of concerned, “Was it about last night?”

Josh again looked to Tyler. He didn’t flinch. “I think so, in some way.”

“Okay,” Mark said while nodding slowly “You guys have an acoustic later today, can you do it Tyler?”

Tyler took a second, “Yeah, I’ll be okay.” He moved shakily onto his knees, accepting Josh’s hand for help. “I think I’ll be fine.”

Mark looked between the two of them. They hadn’t let go of each other's hand, but Mark gave that up to Tyler’s nerves. “You have an hour and a half till sound check. You guys should get some food.” He clucked down the first step, “And Tyler?” Tyler raised his head. “Never do it, okay?”

An uncomfortable feeling spread from Tyler’s throat out around the room. “Okay.” He squeaked.

Mark took a breath, “Okay”.

The primary thing Josh said for the next two hours was, “Are you alright?” The primary response to this was always a slight tilt of the head forward, not a nod but enough to make Josh worry. Sound check was painless, albite quiet for an activity that requires noise. Tyler didn’t say anything if it wasn’t in the microphone. Josh didn’t say anything at all.

Soon they were hidden behind the blue vinyl sheet of a backdrop. They stood close to the parting in the barrier to the side, listening to the crowd of eighty or so mumble. This was like their old shows. A number of people was never high enough to roar. The main difference was back then it cost seven dollars to hear them play, now it was over one hundred for a main show at the very back. Tyler’s stomach squeezed when he thought about how much people were paying for this. This is just what they did every night they could find a bar to play, not something huge and extravagant.

Tyler and Josh were nudged onstage. Tyler said the usual greetings, the crowd hollered back, they began to play. It was simple. He worked though the tempos and lyrics like a clock. It wasn’t like any of this hadn’t been done, it was just a rhythm, just something they did. It was calming. Until the first punch was thrown.

At the very back, an intoxicated slap had started a brawl. Wet thuds and yelps filled the room. Security was called as other sober people intervened. Tyler looked to Josh. He bounced on his drum stool a couple times then mouthed ‘let’s go’. Tyler didn’t get very far.

Tyler didn’t remember anything after he fainted. He was told he was walking and mumbling after they carried him off-stage, but all he could really remember was screaming. Of course, he remembered the dream he had that night. The pattern he was locked in to keep going had been broken, and so suddenly, so easily, he was back _there._


End file.
